"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way."
Laurence J. Peter
"Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings."
"It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything."
Otto von Bismarck
"When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice."
W. C. Fields
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
H. L. Mencken
"It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known."