We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.--LONGFELLOW.

Pithy Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain


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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Calvin Trillin

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em, And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum. (unknown)

Hermann Hesse

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."

H. L. Mencken

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."

Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

Unknown

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."

Leon Trotsky

"Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man."

Benjamin Franklin

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

Yogi Berra

"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical."

Mark Twain

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Sir William Bragg

"The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them."

Robert Copeland

"To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent."

G. K. Chesterton

"The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums."

Hunter S. Thompson

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

Norm Crosby

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."

- Groucho Marx, comedian and actor

Yogi Berra

"This is like deja vu all over again."


Peter Drucker

"The computer is a moron."

Ellen DeGeneres

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

Mark Twain
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."

Billy Crystal

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Willie Tyler

"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."

Fred Allen

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

Bill Vaughan

"We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong."

Mark Twain

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."

Friedrich Nietzsche

"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."

De Sousa remarks: “When enough people share a delusion, it loses its status as a psychosis and gets a religious tax exemption instead.”

Samuel Goldwyn

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"Don't knock masterbation- it is sex with someone you love" - Woody Allen

Mae West

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

Will Durant

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."

"Racism is so stupid. There’s more than enough reasons to dislike people on an individual basis."

- Will Durst, political satirist

Bob Hope

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

Joan Klempner

"To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep."

3-13-08

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

Robert X. Cringely

"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."

Pablo Picasso

"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."

2-28

Rita Rudner
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

2-24-08

Patrick Young
"The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it."

Nora Ephron
"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy."

Gracie Allen
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

Henry Kissinger
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."

2-16-08

George Carlin
from Quotes of the Day
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

Henry J. Tillman
from Quotes of the Day
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

February 13,2008

Thomas Jones
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

Dorothy Parker

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard. (Said when leaving hospital after an abortion).

2-8-08

When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
C. P. Snow

William S. Burroughs
from Quotes of the Day
"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on."

John Kenneth Galbraith
from Quotes of the Day
"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable."

Unknown
from Quotes of the Day
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."

Mike Myers
from Quotes of the Day
"Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again."

E. B. White
from Quotes of the Day
"The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war."

George Bernard Shaw
from Quotes of the Day
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

Herm Albright
from Quotes of the Day
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

Ronald Reagan
from Quotes of the Day
"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born."

Dorothy Nevill
from Quotes of the Day
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Thomas A. Edison
from Quotes of the Day
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."

Robert Orben
from Quotes of the Day
"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Mae West
from Quotes of the Day
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

Unknown
from Quotes of the Day
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

Doug Larson
from Quotes of the Day
"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own."

Carl Sagan
from Quotes of the Day
"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."