Quotes 5-2-09

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

Fats Domino (1928 - )

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
English novelist (1775 - 1817)

Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.

Ronald Reagan

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M. Barrie

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Mel Brooks (1926 - )

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

George Burns (1896 - 1996)

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)


Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988), Time Enough For Love

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.--LONGFELLOW.

Pithy Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain


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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Calvin Trillin

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em, And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum. (unknown)

Hermann Hesse

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane."

H. L. Mencken

"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking."

Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."